Closet Space
by jc'amour
Summary: Dear Diary, not all stories end happily ever after, mine was better. Babies & boys, you can't get anymore complicated than that.
1. prologue

closet space  
**PROLOGUE**

...

She didn't mean to flirt with him. She didn't mean to follow him. She didn't mean to have sex with him. She didn't mean to have his baby.

She didn't mean to be such a hormonal mother. She didn't mean to hate her sister. She didn't mean to fight with her parents. She didn't mean to be so protective. She didn't mean to be so jealous.

She didn't mean to fail her classes. She didn't mean to get suspended.

And she most definitely didn't mean to fall in love.


	2. one

closet space  
**ONE**

...

She stared at the empty parking lot, the sparse cars littering the vacant spots. She sighed. Leaning back on her hands she inhaled the January air was cold, but as California weather had it, she was glad there was no snow. Her stomach protruded against her red band uniform and she was hungry.

That was an understatement.

The exhaustion from band practice assaulted her and she could feel nothing but her feet crying in pain. Her head hurt. If she was only allowed to take aspirin…

She glanced at her watch. The time read five-thirty. Ben was late.

Exasperatedly Amy yanked her cell phone from her bag, dialling the familiar number of the boy who was always there. He didn't answer.

Amy felt the anxiety rising within her. He said he was going to be here a half an hour ago. She knew she could have called her dad, maybe even her mom, but with enough tension rising in the house she didn't need them adding to their own problems.

High school life was hectic enough without being pregnant, but with life's unexpectedness the Richter scale of her life was beyond a ten. For just five seconds of her life, she just wanted to be Amy. Just Amy. Not pregnant Amy. Not Ben's girlfriend Amy. Not the daughter of a cheating father, Amy. Not Ricky's child bearing one-night-stand Amy.

Just Amy, Amy Jeurgens.

If she could rewind she wouldn't have been such a stupid child. Shutting her eyes she relaxed her body, allowing the gentle breeze to blow through the strands of her hair. Maybe, for five seconds she'd try. Only, as soon as her muscles began to relax into a soothing feeling a car door echoed through the air.

It didn't matter how much she pretended. She was pregnant. To prove her point further, Ricky Underwood stood by the door of his silver car just twenty feet away. He smirked in her direction, and with his hands in his pockets he slowly walked towards her, "Still here, Jeurgens?"

She opened her mouth, shut it, then whirled her head in the other direction. She did not want to talk to him. He had spent the last few months avoiding her like the plague; two could play at this game. If he was ignorant to the situation at hand, she could forget he ever existed.

Plopping himself down beside her, Amy fidgeted around with the contents of her bag, but once the familiar ring tone of her phone rang out she delved deep into her bag to find the device. Yanking it open she excited answered, "Ben! I've been waiting for…"

"This is pathetic Amy, I have to resort to calling your phone for you to even acknowledge me?"

Slamming her phone shot, she turned her direction to Ricky who happily put his phone back into his pocket. He started tapping away a beat on his knees. He was a drummer of course. Always banging away…

Amy shook her head, sexual innuendoes were not needed. Through gritted teeth, she angrily responded, "What are you doing here?"

Ricky chortled, "It's a free country, I can do what I want."

"Apparently so, do whatever you want and not care," Amy mumbled under her breath. A silence once again fell over the two, the uncomfortable feeling filling Amy. Her phone rang again. She glared at Ricky, "Sometimes, you just don't know when to stop!"

"That isn't me," he responded.

Quickly Amy answered her phone, and realizing it was Ben on the other hand, released her breath feeling relieved.

"Hey," she happily greeted.

"Amy! I feel like such an idiot! I'm sorry, I know I was supposed to get there, but my driver experienced a flat tire and I just…I'm so sorry! I should have called earlier but my phone died and…are you alright? If you wait another thirty minutes I'm sure I can get there!"

Amy shook her head, like he could see her anyway, "I really wish you told me earlier, but it's okay…I'll get a way home, I'm sure someone's still around school."

At that statement Ricky smirked, she rolled her eyes.

"Do you hate me, Ames?" Ben asked.

"No, I don't. I was just…worried," she replied.

"I love you, okay? I'll make it up to you."

"Thanks. Bye, Ben."

"Bye."

Hanging up her phone, Amy rested her head in her hands. It was getting cold, but slowly getting to her feet she grabbed her bag.

"You need a ride?"

Shocked by the voice, Amy had just remembered that Ricky was beside her. Spinning his car keys around on his finger, he rested his head in his left hand, staring up at her. Brushing a strand of hair behind her right ear, she got up lifting her instrument with her, and walked down the steps onto the sidewalk.

Calling back to him she yelled, "I don't need anything from you."

Strolling across the parking lot she felt a hand grip onto her wrist, "Aw, come on Amy, it's late. The last thing anyone needs is to have you all defenceless walking home. Look, I'm trying to be nice."

"I'm not Grace, I don't need your help. Frankly, I don't need my life flashed on the news either! Besides, the last time I let you be nice, this happened," she placed a hand on her stomach and gave him a grimace. He took his hands off of her and stepped back, "Look, I know I haven't helped you, but hey, I'm trying…now."

"I'm fifteen, I'll be fine. I'm not some baby!"

"But…you're carrying…my baby," he stated, running a hand through his hair.

Amy was taken aback by his sentence, her mouth felt dry. He took a step closer, she stepped back.

"I want to help."

No longer was it about a ride home or carrying her French Horn. His sentence meant more, held more, showed more. All the awkwardness and walls between them had suddenly broken down with one sentence and Amy didn't like it one bit.

"Ricky, I don't need your help. I appreciate the offer, but you've spent the last four months avoiding me, I think it's best we leave it that way. I have Ben, I like it this way."

He screamed, then composing himself he looked at her with cold eyes, "You have spent the last few months complaining about how I have taken no responsibility with this situation! And here I am, trying to bring you home because I know you're tired. I'm not looking for a commitment Amy! I'm just trying to help and do my part! I want to be a part of his or her life!"

She shook her head violently than silently whispered, "It's too late."

Without another word she stalked off down the road, walking in the cold night air. She could hear the sound of his car door slamming violently, and his engine revving up. She awaited the screeching of his wheels racing down the road, but it never came. Instead she could hear the slow sound of wheels riding up towards to her.

Turning towards the silver car she transformed her eyes into slits, ignoring him as he rolled his window down and called out for her. Ricky had always been the predator, and girls had always been the prey. He enjoyed having them flock at his feet like wounded creatures, but Amy wasn't wounded…or at least she wouldn't show him how badly she was dealing with this. She was smarter than that. This cat and mouse game would go on for a while.

"Stop being so stubborn and get in the car. You're going to hurt yourself walking home."

She shook my head and continued walking, "The only thing that's going to get hurt around here is your pride..."

A car honked its horn as it zoomed past Ricky's going-five-miles-an-hour car.

"Amy, get in the car. You know you're tired. I saw you at practice today. You were wilting..."

She shook her head once more. For five minutes he continued on his antics, following her down each street and turn, calling for her, pleading with her, begging her. She wouldn't listen.

"Ricky, what kind of pathetic game are you playing? This isn't the "Game of Life". This is reality. And in my reality you aren't a part of it, okay? I have Ben! He's been there for me from the beginning! He didn't run away when he found out I was pregnant, especially when the baby wasn't his! Yet, you did! You scratched me off that list of yours and left me to deal with this on my own. Go ahead and hang with Adrian or...Grace...or whoever else is on that list of yours! You thought I was alone, guess again...the only lonely person I see is you! Ricky, just stay out of my life!"

His car stopped and she turned around after taking a few more steps to see his knuckles turning white as he gripped onto the wheel. She was relieved he had stopped playing the 'stalker' card.

"Try as you might Amy, that baby is mine just as well. Push me away as far as you want, but you'll always carry a piece of me around with you. I'm the father of that child."

"Ricky, I thought you of all people would know that genes don't make someone a father."

As a sudden cool wind blew Amy's hair in different directions, she stared silently at Ricky. Within a second the car disappeared before her and raced down the street, the boy with brown hair leaving her once again. She stood still underneath the shade of a tree alone.

She was used to it.


	3. Sad Smile

No voicemails. No e-mails. No missed calls. Nothing. Shutting my cell phone, I tossed it to the end of my bed, where it lay lifeless. Silent.

Even though I wasn't expecting any of those things, disappointment seemed to shadow me. He had listened. He was leaving me alone. And even if that was what I had intended to happen—I couldn't help but be annoyed that he could be the type of person who gave up so easily. Ricky Underwood was the guy who always got what he wanted. He had every girl wrapped around his finger, happily dangling them until he felt bored, then he cut the strings. Ricky Underwood was the guy who wouldn't give up. But then, I guess Ricky Underwood didn't want me. No voicemails, no e-mails, no missed calls. What a liar.

Saturday morning was starting off so well. Even if the sun was shining and the aroma of pancakes, eggs, and bacon was wafting up to my room, the day seemed more or less dreary than my life already was. Forcing myself out of bed seemed a huge task, but was soon found easy after I felt morning sickness come over me once more.

After three flushes, and five minutes of brushing my teeth - hoping to rid myself of the vile taste - I stared at myself in the mirror. My reflection seemed to not be a fifteen year old girl, all perky and excited about highschool. Instead my reflection was of a girl with a stomach that was getting bigger, bulging greatly underneath her loose yellow shirt.

Choices I had made, caused this whole mess to happen. I wanted a way out, but the last time I tried that, I was a coward and chickened out. I couldn't do that. No matter how much trouble and gossip kept coming into my life, I wasn't ready to make another mistake. Clearly, my decision making skills were terrible.

If I had chosen to ask my dad for a ride instead of Ben last night, this wouldn't be happening. If I had decided to leave for Mimzy's this wouldn't be happening. If I had never said yes to Ben the day he asked me out, this wouldn't be happening. If I had just never had sex with Ricky, this wouldn't be happening.

It seemed so easy to blame everyone and everything around me, when really I was the only one at fault. I don't know whether to be relieved by this, or to hate myself more and more. Either way, I needed to get out for the day. Decisions couldn't be changed in the past, I just had to step up and make better choices. And my first choice was to smile a bit—so I picked up my phone, and called his number.

* * *

The air felt cool and fresh, with a few clouds floating across the vast blue sky. The sun shone brightly, making the autumn weather seem warmer than it should be. But my thoughts were too distracted, by another source of warmth. My hand in his. Together in happy silence, we strolled through the park. The grass was cool as it brushed against my legs, and the wind blew through my hair, making me more relaxed. I looked up into his brown eyes, and smiled. He smiled back. We continued walking along, pointing out the rare squirrel or chipmunk we saw along the way; until we spotted a bench, and with my feet pleading for some rest, we happily sat down. We remained silent for a while—he stroked my hair, as I lay on his shoulder. I shut my eyes.

"Thanks, Ben."

I opened my eyes, and lifted my head off of his shoulder, looking into his eyes.

"Thanks, for what?"

"For just being there." I flashed him a smile, gently reaching for his free hand.

"Aww, Amy, you don't have to thank me for that. I'd do anything for you, for my woman." He winked at me. I was too busily involved in the moment, that his usual routine of calling me "his woman" didn't disgust or bother me this time. I just happily smiled at him, and continued squeezing his hand.

"No, I really appreciate it...I mean you didn't judge me. You don't look at me funny at all. When everyone else was saying stuff about me, you just held onto my hand—and I liked it. You just know what to do."

He didn't reply, instead he reached for my face, and gently placed a quick kiss on my lips. It was gentle, and warm. When he broke away from it, I slowly placed my fingers to my lips. They tingled.

"Amy, I would do anything for you—for the both of you." He said this as he stared at my stomach, placing a hand on it. "I told you, I'd marry you."

My heart skipped a beat. Every single time we were together, he had a way of bringing up the issue. We were only fifteen, and I already had enough issues with being pregnant and in high school. Now being fifteen, pregnant, and married in high school was a step I didn't want to take. His gestures were sweet, and the ring he gave me was nice...but I just didn't want to go there.

As if he could read my thoughts, understanding the uncertainty I was feeling, he lightly changed the subject.

"So...have you thought about names yet?"

The question jolted me back to reality, and it dawned on me there was a problem with coming up with names.

"I-I don't even know the baby's sex yet."

"Well, that doesn't matter. If it were a boy though, how about calling it Ben Jr.? Heir of the Sausage Kingdom." He laughed a little, his eyes glistening with the sun's light.

"Hmm...my son the prince? I think one Ben's hard enough for me to handle, and besides...ummm..."

The smile and laughter seemed to disappear from him, and he hung his head, fiddling with the grass using his foot. "It's okay Amy, I know. I know it'd be weird, using my name. 'Cause...I-I-I...I'm not the father, and all."

The words seemed like they were glued to his mouth, and the difficulty of letting them out was too great for him. He was worried, he hated the thought of competition, and how the baby didn't belong to him—and genetically never would. But, he had no need to be worried. Ricky didn't want me, I didn't want him. Frankly, Ben was more of a father, than Ricky probably ever could.

The thought saddened me a little, but I recovered. I reached for his hand. "I like the name Gwen. For a girl."

"Sounds nice. I like it." He plastered a smile across his face. He was faking it. I could tell.

"Ben, don't worry about it. Ricky has nothing to do with me not wanting to name the baby—our baby—Ben Jr. It's just Ben? I mean come on. What a silly name." I was hoping to lighten up the mood, resorting to jokes about my boyfriend's name. I wanted his genuine smile. Stupid as it may have sounded, he was more than willing to play along.

"Well, I don't know. I find Ben to be an awesome name. Now _Amy_ on the other hand...I feel sorry for anyone with that name. I mean come on. _Amy_?"

I slapped him across the arm, laughing hysterically. And he was laughing too. The tension before seemed to slip away, and we were both back to being happy, forgetting about the last two minutes.

Soon, we got up from the bench and strolled through the rest of the park. As we held hands, I watched all the other families spending time together. As I stared a little girl with blonde hair, tied in pigtails, I couldn't help but glance at the parents who were holding her hands. The mother seemed gentle, with red hair in a bob cut, and the father was tall, and muscular, with brown hair that was just thinning.

Images of the near future popped into my head. What would it be like to be...a family? The only family I had known were my parents, siblings, and grandparents. Never had I ever thought about a family I would have one day. Thoughts of me and Ben walking through the park with our own daughter, or son, whichever it be, came into my thoughts.

Would we spend a lot of time having picnics and all that family bonding? Would we be good parents? Would we be too tough? Too fair? Being that mature seemed to surreal to me, it seemed hard picturing myself doing that. I couldn't see the bad times in my imagination. I could only see me, my hand linked with his arm, with our child happily hanging on as he/she sat on his shoulders. I could hear laughter.

And as I stared up into the image of my future, husband I couldn't help but smile. Dark hair, dark eyes. But suddenly, looking at the face in my thoughts, it wasn't Ben I was happily staring it. It was...it was...Ricky. I forcefully shook my head, erasing the thoughts from my mind. Ben hadn't taken that unnoticed and he looked down at me.

I didn't want to worry him. We already had a bump in today's outing. So I did what I had only done so often this past year. I lied. Faking a smile, and snuggling closer to his arm, I lied. To the most honest guy, the one who was always truthful with me, I lied.

Besides, no voicemails. No e-mails. No missed calls. Ricky Underwood didn't want me.  
I wanted him to leave me alone, so I would leave him in the back of my mind where he belonged.

I stared up at Ben, and uncharacteristically I reached up and kissed him. It lasted longer than the one we had a while ago—but this one, didn't have the tingle that the other one had. This kiss was a kiss hoping to prove that Ben was the right one. That he loved me. That he would be there. That he cared.

Upon pulling apart from the kiss, he stared at me—his eyes filled with shock and compassion. He opened up his arms to me, and I accepted the invitation. Falling into his arms, he wrapped them around me, engulfing me in a gentle embrace. As my arms wrapped around his neck, it was then, that as he hugged me, I noticed a familiar figure standing behind a nearby tree.

I shut my eyes.


	4. Faith

I awoke that morning to queasiness in my stomach. Knowing the routine feeling, I bolted upright from my bed, and rushed to the washroom. The vile taste remained in my mouth, even after constant brushing and mouth wash.

Walking down the stairs I could smell the wafting aroma of pancakes coming from the kitchen. My mouth watered. Entering the kitchen I found my mom dancing around in her bathrobe as she flipped two pancakes onto a plate. As she turned around to place the dish on the counter she greeted me with a 'Good Morning.'

"Morning mom."

"How are you sweetie? I heard the toilet flush upstairs a few times." Her face reflected concern, something I had seen her show more often.

"No, mom I'm fine. Just some morning sickness. I'm used to it."

She formed her mouth into a thin line, as she came around to the other side of the counter and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. At that moment Ashley sauntered in, rubbing the weariness from her eyes. Standing beside me, arms rested on the counter, she stared at the plate of pancakes before me.

"Mom, I hope you saved me a plate, because whenever Amy's around I end up skipping a meal 'cause she eats my share."

"Ashley!" My mother sniped at her, annoyance reflected easily.

"I'm kidding!" Her eyes widened and she placed a joking smile on her face. She seemed so much weirder these days. "So..."

"I'm fine." I replied, knowing that it was difficult for her to ask me questions.

"Good. By the way..."

"Yes?"

"Pass the syrup."

At that I giggled, giving her the syrup.

"Don't worry, Amy. I'm here for you-even if you eat all my food."

"Thanks, Ash."

As much as I knew those words _'I'm here for you'_ so well, and as much as I could feel the warmth and love carried to me as my mother wrapper her arms around —I couldn't help but feel so very alone.

--

I watched as Lauren walked away, not even giving me a sideways glance, as Madison followed giving me a gentle smile towards me. Some best friends. With a sigh I begrudgingly walked towards my locker. Returning to school had been a difficult transition, feeling the constant stares being thrown my way, but the gentle hand that always reached out for me made things easier.

"Hey, Amy."

"Hi, Ben." I engulfed him in a hug, as I placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

"You're in a happier mood today." His eyes beamed with confusion, but I could make out the happiness deep within them.

"I'm just glad you're here."

"You say that a lot lately." He took my hand in his.

"'Cause I mean it."

"Mhmmm..." He smiled. "Here, let me take you French Horn."

"Thanks." I gave him my case, glad the weight was taken off of me.

As we walked hand in hand towards my Music Class, I could feel as if someone was intently watching me. Turning around I spotted Ricky in the corner of my eye, gazing at me as he held Adrian close to his side. She seemed to notice his distracted state and looked towards me. She glared. Turning away from them I kept my focus on Ben's profile. Compared to Ricky he was thinner, younger, and his hair was curlier. But compared to Ricky he was there for me.

"Well here's your class, my dear, sweet, fair maiden."

"Uh...thanks for walking me to class."

"Is something wrong? One second you're happy, now you seem kind of down."

"Mood swings."

"Ah. The difficulties of a pregnancy!" He pointed one finger to the sky as if about to say 'Eureka'.

"Can you not say it so loud?" I looked both ways, shifting my eyes from left to right, as I bit my bottom lip.

"Sorry..."

I sighed. "It's okay Ben." I gave him a smile, hoping to reassure him that I was fine.

"Well, I love you."

There he went. Those three words escaped his mouth, carrying emotions that seemed to make the ground shake and echo for miles. Hearing them made my stomach flutter, and my heart beat fast, but...why oh why couldn't I say them? Was it because of the cliché way people expected you to be when you had your first boyfriend? Was it because no one besides family had ever said that to me? Or was it because...

Suddenly the shrill sound of the bell stopped me from my train of thought. You always hear that expression saved by the bell—for once I lived it. Thank God. The sudden rush of kids running into class separated me and Ben—as I was pushed into the room. Looking out the door I could see his face, a wave of his hand just seen over the heads of a few kids. At least I didn't hurt him...

"Hurt who?"

At the sound of the familiar voice, I shuddered. Was I talking out loud?

"None of your business." I sniped at him.

"Ben right? Ah, he's tough. He has to be to put up with you." Ah the Ricky smirk formed across his lips—typical.

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm just saying—to know your first girlfriend is pregnant with another guy's baby—it must be tough for him."

"Shut up."

"I'm just saying..."

"Well then stop _'just saying'_, Ricky! All you ever do is talk big and say you're gonna do one thing, and do another! Just shut up!"

"Maybe it's not my fault..." he gripped tightly onto my arm, squeezing gently.

"Wh—..."

"Maybe it's because people like you, won't just let me do what I think I should do." His grip seemed to tighten.

"Maybe it's 'cause we don't trust you." A few tears were welling in my eyes—why the heck was I so emotional? Stupid hormones.

"Oh, people trust me. You, Amy, choose not to."

"Mr. Underwood...would you please unhand Miss Juergens. Class is starting."

Looking up at the teacher, it was then I realized this whole scene had unfolded in front of the class. By the time lunch started rumours would have circulated around the school. Whatever anyone chose to make up, most would believe. As Ricky's hand loosened from my arm, I hastily took my seat in class. A tear fell from my eye and I wiped it away. The teacher gave me a wary smile, and continued on with the lesson.

The class passed by quickly, and I hurriedly gathered my things—hoping to escape from the room and all the emotions that still lingered in the air.

As I retreated to the girl's washroom I found Adrian standing in front of the mirror, applying a thick layer of lipstick onto her lips. Upon seeing my reflection in her mirror, she stopped her actions and glared.

"Well...look what the cat dragged in. I can't believe you're still showing your face around here."

I stood still in the same spot, and stared at the tiled floor—hoping to distract myself with the ugly colours and scattered tissue.

"Look, _Amy_...I don't like you. Let me make that clear. I don't like how you got this whole school hyped up about you having Ricky's baby. But let's get this straight. It is not _Ricky's_ baby, it is_ a_ baby. Ricky is all mine, you got it?" Her tone was harsh, something I was never exposed to.

"I don't want him."

"Good." She continued applying lipstick once again.

"But...I don't get why you like him, Adrian. Aren't you scared he'll...make you end up like this?"

She turned to face me. "Juergens, it's not my fault you were an unprepared slut."

"Adrian I'm sorry if I'm not experienced as you..."

"That's an understatement..." As I stared into the mirror, looking into her cold eyes, I seemed to recognize something I saw so often in others.

"Adrian...are you _jealous_?"

"Who? Me? You must be joking!" She scoffed.

"Are you afraid, I want to take him away? Do you really believe Ricky of all people wants to start taking responsibility for something in his life? Do you l-lov..."

"Shut up, and stop pretending like you know me Amy. And especially stop pretending that Ricky cares. Imagine it all you want—I see the way you look at him sometimes—he's off limits and doesn't want you! Fall for his lame act all you want, but Ricky will never be there for you. He's never cared for anyone, but himself, and he never will. Hold onto Ben and forget Ricky. Forget it ever happened!"

"This is still his fault, Adrian, and nothing can erase the fact that I'm pregnant!"

"Then, why is it that you didn't get an abortion?"

I remained silent, not responding to a question that seemed to have no answer to me as well.

"Why are you still carrying a piece of him around with you?"

Silence.

"Why is it that you still deny it's his sometimes, but then blame him for getting you pregnant in the first place?"

Silence.

"Okay, not like I want you to...but Amy, if it's his fault, and "his" baby, why won't you let him help you? Hmm? If you hate him so much for doing this to you, why won't you let him go through the pains of parenting? Why Amy, why?"

Her words dug deep into my mind, and I had no answer for her questions. Deciding to avoid it like I usually did, I ran out of the washroom—her distant laugh ringing through my ears. With my head hung I quickly ran through the halls, accidentally bumping into someone, causing me to fall backwards. Opening my eyes, I found a hand outstretched. It belonged to Grace Bowman.

"Oh Amy! I am so sorry, are you okay?" her gentle, perky voice soothed my tension and I gladly accepted her generosity.

"It's okay, I'm fine...but I really have to go." Retrieving my books, I rushed away, only to have a hand grab onto my arm. What was up with people today?

"Amy, wait. C-can I talk to you?"

I turned around to find Grace holding onto me, her eyes pleading with me for some time. I couldn't help but give in to her.

"Yes, Grace?" I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"I—I—I know this is none of my business, b-b-but I really think you should give Ricky a chance."

Huh? The one girl I hadn't ever shared a conversation with, is telling me to give _The Ricky Underwood_ a chance? First Adrian now Grace?! What spell did he have these women under? Hearing a complete stranger try to influence my choices made my anger bubble up once again. "I'm glad you think so, but Grace, like you said. This is none of your business." I adjusted my shoulder bag on my shoulder, and prepared to walk away once again; only to have her grab onto my arm...again.

"Look," her voice quivered, "I know, he's done horrible things...and he isn't the best guy out there...I-I-I mean you have Ben and all. But think about your baby. Think about what you're doing to Ben! He shouldn't have to take responsibility for Ricky's actions. He's being tied down to something he wasn't involved in to begin with..."

"Don't judge Ben's choices—or our relationship!"

She ignored my outburst and continued. "And, well...I talk to Ricky...and I think, no, I _know_ he's grown up and wants to take responsibility. For once in his life Amy, he finally has something to care about. Give the guy a chance."

By the end of her speech Grace's eyes were watering, filling with tears. And to be honest, I don't know if it was hormones or her speech that did it, but two tears fell from my eyes.

"Grace, do you...care for Ricky...or something?"

I seemed to have taken her by shock, for her eyes grew, and she remained silent for a while. A few seconds passed until she hung her head and smiled. Looking back up at me, her eyes sparked. "Of course I care for Ricky, I care for all my friends. He's someone different—and underneath all that bad boy facade, I know he's someone who, even if he denies it..._wants_ someone to care for him."

"Grace, why should I believe that? Why should I believe _him_?"

"B-because...sometimes you don't have to see things to believe in them. People can surprise you. Sometimes all you need is faith." With her last words, she smiled, gave me a quick hug and walked away. Soon her blonde head disappeared with the crowd, and I was left standing in the middle of the hallway, tears falling from my eyes.


	5. True Lies

I stared at the screen; watching a familiar scene of a movie I had committed to memory, unfold. I crunched loudly on the popcorn, scooping continuous handfuls, and shoving it quickly into my mouth. My hands were covered in butter, and ever since I was little, I was known to suck the flavour off of my fingers.

I was bored. On a Sunday night, here I sat, alone in an empty house—staring at the roaring glare of the TV, ignoring the scripted conversations. I sighed, deciding to change the channel and find something better to occupy my time.

As I flipped quickly from channel to channel, I heard the door in the kitchen slam shut, making me get up from my position on the couch. Walking in, I found my dad sneaking in, wincing as he recognized the mistake he made in 'breaking-and-entering'.

"Burglars are supposed to keep quiet," I stated, wrapping my sweater tightly around my body.

"Well...I thought no one was home, until I saw the blue light coming from the living room. At least it was just you Amy."

"Afraid mom was here?"

He scoffed, "No...but if I was afraid...is she here?"

"No dad."

"Good."

For the past weeks, I had only seen my dad a handful at times. At first I just thought it was the occasional business trip here or there, the need to stay at work after the hours, or just out bonding with his friends. I was wrong.

He got kicked out.

"So, what are you doing here?"

"Oh...I just came to get a few clothes and things..."

"Oh. Do you do this often?"

"Only if I think no one's home."

I looked at him for a few seconds. "You know, I could call the cops on you for entering someone else's home."

"Now, look here young lady. Just because I don't live here at the moment, does not mean that I am not your father. This house is still being paid for by my money!"

"Then, if you have money, why is it that you sleep in the furniture store? It's true isn't it?"

His face seemed to reflect surprise, but he quickly caught his mistake. "Apsh, no. I'm staying with a good friend of mine."

"A guy right?"

"Why do you keep questioning me? You sound just like your mother..."

"She did raise me."

"We raised you, Amy. _**We**_."

The words he just said sounded so familiar. We, ours. The words were so different, yet so much the same. As if for that one second, it was not my father's voice I heard, but Ricky's.

"Right..."

He slowly walked towards me, looking at me as if trying to dig deep into my thoughts. "Something wrong?"

"No. I'm just tired and bored. Nothing good to watch on TV."

"Your'e lying. I think I know my own daughter better than that."

"Yeah dad, you sure do. Like how you accused Ashley, because you thought I was a good girl..."

"Which you were, and still are."

"...when really I was the one who got pregnant."

The last word seemed to have brought him back to reality, and he remained silent—twiddling his fingers for a few seconds. An awkward silence seemed to fill the atmosphere. The distant ticking of the clock seemed to resonate through the whole room, as the sudden outburst of laughter echoed from the TV.

Soon he broke the silence, placing one hand on his forehead and another on his back. "Look, it wasn't your fault. It's that boy Ricky's..."

"Yeah, because you know, I just let Ricky force me to do it."

He moved his hands from their positions and placed them at his side. They were twitching. "Knowing that boy, I bet he did." He seemed to clench his fists as he glared into space. "You don't talk to him right?! Amy, I don't want you anywhere near that piece of sh—..."

"Don't worry, I don't talk to him, and I don't want to be near him."

He sighed in relief. "That's my girl."

He lightly sucker punched my arm; when suddenly the kitchen door swung open—only to reveal my very shocked mother, "George?!"

"Oh sh-...hi Anne." He placed a smile on his face, as he side stepped behind the counter, farther away from her.

My mother did not greet him back. Instead she stood there, with her mouth open and her eyes just staring at him. Soon shock transformed into anger, and the bags she held in her hand fell to the ground. The tension in the room seemed to escalate as if World War Three were to occur in my very own kitchen. Taking this as a cue, I quickly slipped out of the room and bolted upstairs.

Once in my room, I could hear the constant yells and chatter of my parents—and a very much involved Ashley—coming from the kitchen. Not only had my social life taken a nose dive, but my family life had also drastically crumbled. Even though I had grown accustomed to the past month and its drama, it still seemed strange to have a tear in our family.

Hoping to block out the sounds of the anger, I hastily picked up a random magazine and flipped through the pages. As I was skimming through a section of love advice, the vibration of my phone shook my body, and I hurriedly took it out of my back pocket. Staring at the screen, it was a number I didn't recognize.

In the seconds as I pondered whether to answer or not, the yelling below had escalated, and I decided any other noise was better than this. I answered the call.

"Hello?"

Silence on the other end.

"Helloooo?"

A shuffling on the other end could be heard, but it was faint.

"If this is some prank call..."

"No, don't worry. It isn't."

"You have got to be kidding me." I sighed, pinching the bridge of my nose.

"Like I said, this isn't a prank call."

"Okay, cut the crap, Ricky. What do you want?! I told you to leave me alone?!"

"I want to talk."

"Like I said, stop talking big."

"And like I said, just let me prove it." He sounded desperate, but he was born actor. I wouldn't fall for his facade. Maybe Adrian was right.

"And like I've said time and time again. No."

"Amy, why the hell are you so stubborn?"

"And why the hell are you so persistent?!"

"I'm Ricky Underwood. I always get what I want."

"Yeah right. Well you know what Ricky..."

"What?!" I could hear the smugness being carried through from his end of the line to mine. I hated him.

Without a single reply, I hung up and shut my phone off. Why could he not just get the picture?! As I lay in bed, I realized that the noise downstairs had stopped. Creeping down the stairs, I could hear faint chatter coming from the kitchen. Staring at the couch in the living room I could make out Ashley's shadow in the dark. The smell of butter still wafted from the room.

Continuing forward, I could hear the conversation of my parents.

"What are they talking about?" Ashley whispered in my ear. I jumped back; surprised I didn't hear her footsteps behind me.

"I dunno..." I responded, in a hushed tone.

"Extending my neck a little more to hear the faint words, I caught a few bits and pieces.

"...no, I don't..."

"...but, you have to understand..."

"George, forget..."

"...sorry, but I..."

It was quite a difficult task, and soon I resorted to just giving up. Besides, it was my parent's personal business—even though it greatly affected me and Ashley. Plopping down on the couch, the both of us remained silent, just resting our heads on each other. I don't know how long it took, but as I opened my eyes the whole house was dark except for a single light shining from the kitchen. No voices were heard.

Dad was gone.

Tippy-toeing into the kitchen I peeked around the corner, only to find the sight of my mother crying into her hands. She tried hard to conceal her sobs, but every few seconds I could hear the raspy sound escape from her quivering lips. I had never seen my mother cry like that. I had seen so many sides of her—compassion, anger, happiness, anxiousness—but I had never seen pain.

I didn't know what to do, I froze in place, just staring at her body—watching her shudder with each tear. A lump in my throat was forming and I decided to head back upstairs to my room. Hiding beneath the covers, I fell victim to sleep—dreaming of clouds. Clouds and rain. I don't know why, but I just did. In my dream the blue sky that I felt surround me was suddenly blanketed by a black sheet, and thunder and lightning escaped from the saddened clouds. Evil cackles were carried by the wind, as I stood holding myself tightly, hoping for the storm to disappear.

Suddenly, I woke up. Staring at the clock beside me it read 1:10. Sneaking out into the hallway, the whole of downstairs remained dark. No sign of light or my mother anywhere. I sighed.

Walking back into my room, I saw my cell phone lying on the ground. I carefully picked it up.

Mom was alone. And dad was alone as well—off somewhere wishing to be a part of our family again. We were separated pieces of a puzzle that no longer fit together. We were so alone in our own little worlds, dealing with our own fears.

Mom was alone. She had pushed him out the door, pushing him further and further away each time, hoping to prove that she was strong, that she was alright. But no, even if she had me—Ashley and I—even if she had us, she was still alone. It surprised me that that was something I had been craving or expecting for the past few weeks, but maybe I didn't want to prove I was strong. Maybe I didn't want them to know I was weak.

Without a second thought I switched on my cell phone, and dialled a number. The seven numbers seemed like it took forever to press, but in the end, as I stared at the screen, I only hesitated a while before pressing 'Call'.

The phone rang three times, before someone picked up. I could hear him rubbing away the tiredness from his eyes, coughing away, in search of his voice. "H-hello?" he answered.

"Hey..."

"A-amy?" I could hear the shock in his voice, and as if picturing it on my own mind, I could see him bolt upright from his bed; searching for the switch of his bed side lamp.

"Yeah, it's me..."

"Wh—..."

"You want to talk right? You want to prove you actually care?" I kept the firm tone, hoping not to allow any emotions to seep into the conversation.

"Sure..."

"It's a 'yes' or 'no' answer."

"Yeah...I-I-I...yes."

" 'Kay. Look for me at school in the morning. I'll talk this time."

"Uh...yeah...ummm...hey are you okay?"

"Does it sound like I'm sad or something? I'm not lying to you. You said you wanted to be a part of this...so...I'm letting you."

"No, I mean I'm happy and all...but why the change of heart?"

"Just look for me at school." And with that I hung up on him, the second time tonight. I don't know if this was a mistake. Maybe in the morning I would wake up and realize I was secretly dreaming that whole conversation, that my decision in allowing him into this situation was all just one big dream.

But, when I woke up that morning to my alarm, I hastily opened up my phone to find his number in my 'Recently Called' folder. This was real, it was no dream. Suddenly regret washed over me. I was so stupid.

Reality hit even more, when upon reaching my locker at school, I found him standing there. Hands in his pockets, leaning against the wall, a smile forming across his lips. I stood in place for a while, just staring at him in his blue shirt—déjà vu hitting me all over again—only this time he wasn't brushing me off. And this time I wasn't pushing him away.

This time he was waiting, staying in place, hoping that I would come and let him in.

And maybe just once, even just for a second, I'd let him.


	6. Start Stopping

I sat there in silence, staring at my sandwich. Lately, I was hungry almost everytime of the day, but I couldn't bring myself to eat at this moment. Guilt seemed to fill up my stomach just fine. Looking up, he still wasn't looking at me.

He played with his food, stirring around the slop the lunch lady had scooped onto his plate. He wouldn't stare at me, wouldn't even talk to me. I reached for his hand, as I held it I could feel the coldness rushing through his veins. No warmth, no compassion, nothing. He was angry, and I couldn't blame him. Ben was sensitive about this, and the fact that I didn't call him before calling Ricky, hurt him a lot.

"Sorry." I rubbed his hand with my own, hoping he would look up at me.

"You said that already." He didn't look up.

"Ben, what do you expect me to say?" I felt desperate, scared. I didn't want to lose him.

"I don't expect you to say anything." He continued playing with his food, his responses lifeless. Emotionless.

I stopped rubbing his hand, and let go of it. Instead I spun my straw around in my chocolate milk, watching the brown liquid make a whirlpool in my cup. "I know you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad. Just hurt."

"I know I should have called you..."

"Yeah that would have been helpful."

"Ben..."

He continued with his ranting, "...instead of having to see Ricky and you talking at your lockers. You actually smiled Amy! At him?! I didn't believe it at first when Alice told me she saw you two—I trusted you and all, but she was right! I saw you at your locker with him, talking...and at first I thought it was a regular conversation between you and him, with anger and all. But, no! The moment Adrian walked into the school, she ran up to you two, glared at you, then slapped him across the face. All my beliefs just crashed!"

My head was aching, as much as I cared for him, as much as I understood his pain, I felt red raging underneath my skin, "Ben!"

"What, Amy, what?!"

"Stop." I wiped my eyes before tears started to fall.

"Why Amy? I know I'm not the father. I know that he, she, it belongs to Ricky! But I thought you belonged to me!"

"Ben! I don't belong to you! I belong to myself! I can make my own decisions!"

He looked shocked at my outburst, staring up at me his mouth was agape. Soon he formed his lips into a thin line, then smirked. He continued playing with his food. "I thought you didn't want him in your life...I...I thought I was enough. But, I guess I'll never be enough." He scoffed. "Who was I kidding. Ricky Underwood always gets what he wants. This time it was you. I wish it wasn't."

"Ben," I reached for his hand, he pulled it away, "don't worry, he doesn't want me, he wants to be involved..."

"Like he hasn't done enough already."

"Look, you have to understand. I had to do it. My family is so messed up, my mom cries 'cause she's so alone, my sister gets weirder each day, my grandma has Alzheimer's, m-my dad is never home, a-and I'm pregnant." I started crying. "Ben, I don't want my kid to have to experience that. I don't want he, or she, to ever feel alone."

"Don't you think I don't want that either Amy? Don't you think I'd always be there?! Isn't it obvious I'd never leave you."

"I—I know b-bu—..."

"But what? I'm not Ricky right? Why is it suddenly important to you that he's a part of your life?"

I listened to his words. My throat felt dry, I really didn't have a reason...maybe it was just because I knew where Ricky was coming from. I saw the pain he had to live, and having my family breakdown slowly, I understood him. I didn't want to, I was perfectly fine with just Ben, but—looking at how Adrian was, how she didn't know her father, how she felt hurt that he wasn't there- I just couldn't let my child to end up like that.

Thinking of all of this, feeling the thoughts and many reasons race through my minde, I really didn't know the answer to the question. The words and different answers kept swirling in my head—and deep down I didn't know which reason to pick. My head was throbbing.

"A-amy..." he reached out for my hand, "I'm sorry..."

"B-ben..." I croaked his name out.

"I'm a horrible boyfriend." He sighed and stared out to the distance, "but...it's been hard for me too—in a different sense. Hey, I still love you..."

"Mmm..."

"Why can't you say 'I love you' yet?"

He caught me off guard. "W-what?"

"Whenever I say it you can never say it back. I've been noticing it lately. I guess with this whole situation, I just want to know why. Maybe that's why I'm so scared. I'm scared that you're not saying you love me, b-because a part of you wants Ricky, or feels for him anyway. Maybe, that's why...maybe I'm scared to lose you." Tears were forming in his eyes, and I couldn't help but cry too.

"Ben, I am very attracted to you, but 'love' is such a strong word. Just...give me time. Please."

He sighed, "Yeah, I get it...don't worry. I've been through harder times, I'll wait...I'd always wait for you." He tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear, and then leaned in to kiss me. It was warm, delicious even, but was soon interrupted.

"Ehemm..."

Breaking away from the kiss Ben and I both looked up to see Ricky looking down at us. The air became thick with tension and uncertainty. I didn't know what to do at that moment except to look down at my hands. My nails were chipped, I had to fix them.

"So...Amy...wanna continue our conversation earlier?" His voice sounded teasing. Even if he was supposed to be nice, I could tell he was trying to piss Ben off. The table fell silent, no one wanted to talk, as if one sound could crack the Earth into two.

"Whatever you and Amy have to talk about, it involves me too." Ben stood up, hoping to block me from Ricky's view.

"Oh, so making a baby involves three pe-..."

"Ricky, sit down." I pointed to the seat opposite of mine, hoping to stop the fight that was just emerging.

He sat down, and placed his clasped hands on the table, looking straight at me—completely ignoring Ben. Ben sat up, repeating Ricky's actions, only he held my hand...hoping to prove that I was his girlfriend, no matter what.

"So...Amy..."

"Uh, yeah."

Ben coughed, clearing his throat.

"Okay, look here Ricky," I didn't know where to start, "I'm considering letting you...help, but you follow my rules." Looking up at Ben I reworded my sentence. "_Our _rules." Ben gently squeezed my hand.

"Whatever. As long as I can help."

Under his breath I could hear Ben mutter the word 'jerk'. I decided to ignore that matter.

"I have an appointment with the doctor tomorrow. Here's the address." I handed him a slip of paper, covered in my scrawled writing. Okay, so I wrote messy on purpose, I did still regretted this decision. The least I could do was make him lost long enough so he couldn't actually be at the appointment.

As I watched him look at the piece of paper, I could see the confusion etched in his eyes. "Okay, I'll be there.

Oh crap.

"Crap!" Staring at Ben and his sudden outburst, I was glad he shared the same emotions that were now running through my mind. "Amy, I completely forgot tomorrow you had to go! I promised my dad I'd help him out tomorrow, 'cause my grandma's in town and all. I can't believe...AUGH!"

Oh no, oh no, oh no. This could only mean ...

"Don't worry about it Ben, I'll be there."

"That's what I was worried about."

I could feel my heart beating rapidly, my pulse quickening. When I decided to allow Ricky to help, I did not mean, only me and him! Why Ben, why?! Ben's grip on my hand was tightening, making my fingers turn a deep shade of red. I gulped down a lump I felt in my throat.

"If that's all you have to say, you can go now Ricky." Ben glared at him.

"Yeah, whatever." Ricky got up, tucking the paper into his pocket. With his hands in his pocket he just stood there looking at me for quite a while; until he finally spoke up. "Hey, no matter what people say, you're not a slut." And he walked away.

As his head disappeared into the school building, I released the breath I didn't know I was holding.

"If he tries anything on you...I swear I will..."

"It's okay, Ashley will be there too, because my mom's busy and all..."

"Good. But seriously, who does he think he is! He better not try anything, or I'll make sure he'll die for rubbing up on my woman..."

"Ben, stop calling me your woman."

I didn't mean for it to come out, but the stress I had bottled up needed a way out. "Stop calling me your woman, stop saying I belong to you, stop it. I care for you Ben, I do. But right now, I don't want to be labelled anything. I'm sick and tired of it. I just want to be Amy Jeurgens."

He let go of my hand. "Amy, I know you're stressed. Ricky's an ass, of course having him around can cause horrible damage to your emotional stability..."

"Ben, maybe it's not just Ricky, maybe it's everyone around me! Maybe it's my parents, and Ashley, and my so-called-best friends, maybe it's even you..."

"Amy, you're not...breaking up with me right?"

"No...n-o. But...Ben, why did you want to date me. Seriously? You didn't even know me!"

"Amy, the day I saw you in the halls, I just...knew. Seeing you standing with your friends, you seemed different from a lot of the girls there. You seemed unique."

"I'm pregnant, why do you still want to hang around?"

"I'm not a dick. If I knew you needed help, I wouldn't just leave you hanging. I dated you because you were unique, and I'm with you because you still are."

"It's not because you thought I'd have sex with you...right?" I quivered, hoping that the truth wasn't what I thought it was.

He didn't answer for a while. "Of course not."

"Okay." I sighed.

"Who told you that?" He seemed tense.

"Oh, I don't know. It's just 'cause everyone in this school is practically after sex—I just wanted to know you weren't one of those people."

"A-amy I'm not. Anymore. I'll be honest with you, I want sex. But I'll wait...until you're less pregnant. I don't think I want you to have twins."

I laughed. "Okay. But at this point I don't think that's possible..."

"Oh really," he wiggled his eyebrows, "well...then where were we..."

Before things could get any further, or start up again, the bell suddenly rang, and we both gathered up our stuff.

"Okay, Ames, I gotta go. Meeting with the guidance counsellor."

"Alright, I'll just head over to class now." We hugged quickly, and I watched as Ben ran off into the building.

As I entered the building, I saw a scene that didn't surprise me. There in the corner of the hall was Ricky and Adrian. I guess they made up, the way her lips were moving with his. Maybe some things stayed the same.

Adrian was right, he didn't care. Ricky Underwood would always be Ricky Underwood. I definitely regretted my decision. Ricky didn't want to be a dad, he didn't need a dad. Ricky wanted attention. He wanted his reputation.

Ricky Underwood just wanted to be seen and heard.

I regretted believing in him.


	7. Fries With That?

I flipped through the various pages of mothering tips, my anger pulsing through me. Ashley had refused to join me at the clinic today, which filled me with fear at her words. Mom argued with her for a while, but Ash won her over with the "I have a huge project due tomorrow". Such a stupid excuse, but mom was too tired to care after an hour of arguments.

Crap.

Looking around at my surroundings, the room was fairly empty, with a few mothers and their children sitting around. Looking at how they stared at me, I knew I didn't belong. Frankly, I shouldn't have even been here—but there was no point in pretending I wasn't pregnant. It showed, a lot. No matter how many layers of clothes or black shades I wore, I would be fat. Fat with a child. I raised the magazine a little higher, hoping to cover my face. Okay, so i was a little worried—I didn't like the attention.

Glancing to the side, I saw a woman staring at me. She was holding onto a baby, not much older than three months. She simply smiled at me. I smiled back.

"Oh, you're quite beautiful you know that."

I felt a blush colour my face, "Th—thank you."

"I bet any boy would be lucky to have you." I didn't reply, instead I could feel a hand wrap around my shoulder, and I could smell the cologne.

"Oh yeah, I'm definitely lucky to have her." Shit.

"Oh my, you two make a lovely couple. I remember when me and my husband were around your age...my, it brings back memories. After having three kids of my own, I can hardly remember what I used to look like. You know, I'm not as thin as I was before."

"Why, ma'am, I think you look absolutely stunning as you are now. I can only imagine how amazing you were when you were younger."

"Th-thank you young man." Repeating my action a few minutes ago, a blush seemed to spread across her face. He was really good at charming people. It pissed me off.

Before the conversation continued, she was called into the room. As she got up from her seat she smiled brightly at our way, "Ignore the old folks here. They aren't used to the times these days. Good luck on parenting you two." And she quickly rushed off. As she disappeared I quickly brushed his hand off my shoulder and continued to read the magazine. Only, I spent 5 minutes reading over the same sentence.

"Now,_ honey_, don't be cold to me..." He whispered it in my ear, placing his hand on my thigh, attracting a lot of disapproving glances.

"Don't you dare call me that!" I shifted my leg, making his hand fall off.

"So, hormonal..."

"You try having a baby. Oh, wait I forgot, the only thing you like about babies is making them."

"Hey! I'm here to help you Amy, I actually care."

"Excuse me," the receptionist eyed us angrily, "could you please quiet down or take your lover's fight outside in the hallway? You are disturbing the other patients."

I muttered under my breath and continued ignoring him. "Why are you here anyway?"

" 'Cause you gave me the address."

I continued reading, pissed off that my plan hadn't worked.

"You intentionally wrote it messily hoping to make sure I didn't show up, right? Amy, I would have thought you'd know by now that your best friends are really big blabber mouths. It was easy figuring out where this place was."

I didn't respond, instead I angrily flipped the page, accidentally tearing the corner. "Why aren't you hanging with _Adrian_? You two were definitely cozy yesterday."

"Are you jealous?!" He laughed a little, brushing his hand through his hair. "I said I'd be here, so I'm here."

"I. Am. Not. Jealous." I clenched my teeth, "Forgive me that I just can't believe you. I just thought you wouldn't take this seriously and you'd chicken out."

"Now see that's where you're wrong. I don't chicken out. Unlike you. See, if you got rid of the baby a while ago, I wouldn't be here—and you wouldn't be mad."

"Ricky, how 'bout you try understanding how it is to sit in a chair and feel guilty, knowing you're letting someone kill a beating heart."

"Excuse me!" the receptionist looked at us again, angrier. "If I have to repeat myself to you two one more time, I will have to ask you to leave."

"Whatever..." Ricky muttered, stuffing his hands into his pockets, as he slouched into his seat. "For your information, I didn't kiss her. She kissed me. She said she was sorry and all for slapping me. She asked me to come over last night. I didn't. She's pretty pissed at me so we're not talking. So don't judge me okay."

I didn't answer, rather I just looked at him from the corner of my eye, studying his expression. Maybe I was wrong, I had to admit it. But a part of me was glad I was. Maybe...he did change? But I wasn't willing to get my hopes up. Ricky was good at lying, and I was good at doubting him.

"Sorry..." I didn't expect for it to come out, but it did. Upon regretting the decision, I lifted the magazine closer to my face, hoping to block his view of me.

"Nah, don't be...it's my fault...well sorta..."

"Yeah, yeah...let's not get sappy now." I laughed a little. After a few more minutes of random conversation on many subjects, my name was called, and I shakily got up from my chair. Walking two steps, I looked behind to find Ricky still planted in his seat. "Are you coming, or what?"

He looked shock for a moment, as if he was processing everything around him. Finally, he stood up and followed me.

--

The appointment didn't take that long—a few questions, a bit of a check up, then an ultrasound. I had taken a picture before, but I still felt the excitement rushing through me. Feeling the cool gel on my stomach was fairly relaxing, and seeing the image up on the screen made everything seem much more real. The doctor printed me a picture, and I offered it to Ricky, but with a shaky hand he refused it—a wary smile placed on his lips.

Soon the smell of gloves and baby diapers and powder disappeared as I stepped out into the fresh air. I took a few long strides then headed for the way home, when I felt someone reach for my hand. "You want to hang out?"

His words surprised me, and I stammered my response, "I-I-I s-said I'd let you help, not hang out."

"Hey, it's the least I could do to take you out for food. You have to be hungry, and it's getting kinda late."

I sighed. "I don't know..."

"Amy, I know you have Ben. I swear I won't try anything."

I hesitated for a long time, not knowing what to do. Finally I looked into his eyes and saw sincerity, or at least something close to it. "...fine."

He smiled, and lead me towards his car. Opening the door a wave of pine freshness rushed into my nose. It smelled good. As I sat on the chair, I could feel the uncertainty in the air—something I sensed too often, lately. "So...what are you craving?" I stared at him. The question came out unexpectedly, but then again a ton of things these days were.

"Fries." I responded, already smelling the aroma of the potato filling the air.

"The mall it is then."

The twenty minute drive to the closest mall felt like forever. The silence seemed to consume the entire ride, with the occasional moments when he would turn on the radio, change the station, then shut it off again. It was awkward. It was awkward having Ricky being nice, awkward having him offer me food, awkward having him not care about Adrian. It was awkward having Ricky...not be Ricky. Was that even possible?

I kept pondering the question as Ricky stood in line, ordering my fries. I suddenly felt horrible. I covered my eyes with my hands, wishing that this really was a dream. But, no, I could smell the fries—and my mouth watered. Moving my hands from where they were I found three orders of fries standing before me. "You really didn't have to buy me this much...really."

He shrugged, "You're pregnant, I dunno how much pregnant women eat, so I kinda just got a lot...instead of having to wait in line again."

"Oh. Well, thanks. Again." I took a fry from the plate, and took a small bite. It was hot, but it tasted so good.

He took a fry and took a bite as well, "It's funny, you know..."

I looked at him quizzically, "What is?"

"Hearing you say thanks. I never thought you'd ever say that to me." He laughed a little, shoving another fry in his mouth.

"Yeah, well...this time you deserve some thanks."

"So, I don't regularly deserve a thanks?" Once again he took a fry.

"Nope."

"Why not?" he stopped eating.

I swirled my fry in the small pile of ketchup I had squeezed out of the packet, "Because usually you're an inconsiderate jerk who doesn't care about anyone. You prefer sex over anything else, and you really don't care who you hurt. You're stubborn, conceited, cocky, immature..."

"Ow, Jeurgens, that hurt." He jokingly placed hand over his heart.

"The truth _always_ does."

"Well, since you're into analyzing me, let me tell you what you are."

"I'm pregnant, what else is there?"

"Well...you're immature, stubborn, overly emotional, and you pretend to be strong—but I can see through you. You're easily scared, you're gullible, and you really don't trust anyone. And, you're a liar." He stared straight at me.

"Oh look who's talking! I am **not** a liar."

"Yes you are Amy, you wouldn't be human if you weren't. Look, you say you hate me, but we're having an okay conversation, and you let me take you out and buy you fries. You didn't want me in your life, but here I am. You don't want to be pregnant, but you couldn't get rid of the baby. I saw the way you lit up when you saw the ultrasound—you hate how you're fifteen and pregnant, but secretly you kinda love it."

He had done it. Ricky had seen through me, even before I could. He had seen something that I was deeply searching for within myself for the past few months; and he had done it in five minutes. It bothered me.

"And you don't want this baby...do you Ricky?"

He didn't answer for a while—instead he shoved a few more fries in his mouth, and looked around the food court. He seemed to stare at a specific spot, and following the direction of his gaze, it was easy to figure out. There near the electronics store, stood a little boy and his dad. The kid seemed to be entranced by the show playing on the TV screen and was happily bouncing up and down, grabbing onto his father's sleeve. His dad wasn't annoyed, instead he smiled, scooped up his son, and carried him off to the next store—their laughter echoing throughout the food court.

"Ricky..."

"No. I don't want it. But, I don't have a choice do I? A while ago I was perfectly fine, being with whoever I wanted whenever I wanted. Life was pretty carefree, I didn't give a shit about anything. I'll be honest with you Amy...I didn't care about you. You were just another face—a one-time thing, but funny how things work out."

Ouch. Hearing him say that hurt a little. There I go again, getting my hopes up.

"_But_, that doesn't mean I don't care now." He reached for my hand, and as he held it in his own, I felt a shiver run through my body. Memories of that moment at the park a while ago went through my mind—but instead of pulling my hand back like I should have, I let him hold onto it. "Amy, I'm not the best guy for this job, but I'll try to be there. I know Ben's doing a good job, but...give me a shot."

I didn't respond, and he let go of my hand.

"Hold on one second." He got up from his seat and walked away towards the entrance. I let out a long breath. What was wrong with me? Was I really going to fall for that bullshit...or was it really bullshit? Was Ricky really...changing? Or was I? I was so confused. My head started aching once more, and I was fighting to hold the tears back.

"Here." His voice suddenly awoke me from my thoughts. Looking at what he was holding before me I realized it was one of those toy rings you got from a vending machine. It wasn't anything special—definitely nothing compared to the ring Ben attempted to give to me numerous times—but something about its simplicity seemed genuine and extraordinary.

"You don't have to wear it. Just thought you needed something to cheer you up. Or at least something to make you believe I'm telling you the truth. But seriously, don't think too much about it."

I smiled, taking the gift he was giving me, "I wouldn't have it any other way." As I stared at the ring, I was enchanted by the deep purple colour on the "gem". I smiled up at him. "Hey Ricky, can you take me home now? I'm kinda tired..."

He scratched the back of his head, then looked out at the darkness that was blanketing the sky. "Yeah...I should probably be going too..."

"Yeah." I gathered up my purse, and walked out the door, with Ricky leading the way.

The drive home, felt a little more comforting, but still remained silent with the occasional 'so' thrown into the conversation. It was dark when he stopped his car in front of my house.

"See you tomorrow, Ames."

"We'll see." I joked, making him smirk.

"By the way, I forgot to say-you're pretty too, when you're not pissed at me or being stubborn."

I gave him a gentle smile, not knowing what to say. Pushing the door open, I quickly got out, gave him a wave. He started the engine up again and disappeared down the street. When all signs of him were gone, I started towards the front door; only to find my dad standing there looking shocked. Mom must have kicked him out again, but that wasn't what was concerning him.

He look pissed.

"Amy, I thought I told you not to talk to **_that_** boy?!"

I just looked at him, then turned away.

At this point I didn't care if he disapproved of whom I was spending time with. He could hate Ricky all he wanted—he could yell at me all he wanted, but dad had a broken family and a life to fix up. Like I was doing with mine.

I was tired of the different stares people gave me, I was fed up with the disappointment, shame, and hatred. I was tired of lying. So once again I did what I had to—I walked past him and his anger, and entered the house.

Shutting the door behind me.


	8. Controlled Chaos

Chemistry, how I loathed the subject—the formulas danced around the page, creating a jumble of letters and numbers I couldn't comprehend. I rested my forehead on my hand, shutting my eyes. Opening them, the movement of words had stopped, but the equations still remained a mystery. It remained unsolved.

I hated chemistry. It reminded me about my life too much. It sucked.

Flipping through page after page, spending two hours pouring my thoughts onto a simple equation, I got no further than the first answer. I was pathetic, for this was a complete example of how I was feeling. Last night had stayed in my mind—my father's angry voice, Ricky's voice, the ring, the smell of fries—they just wouldn't disappear.

Last night, as I got home, I quickly dialled Ben's number—wanting to hear something I was used to; wanting to feel the familiarity, to find my comfort. After two rings he picked up, his voice worried, yet relieved. He asked me question after question, with me replying short answers without too much explanation.

Unfortunately, he had found out Ashley hadn't accompanied me, and suddenly bombarded me with questions on Ricky's behaviour—I could hear the hatred seething in his words. I reassured him that nothing happened, and that I was capable of protecting myself against that 'scumbag'. Only I didn't tell Ben, that I didn't think Ricky was a scumbag—anymore. There were some things I just had to keep to myself.

When I grew tired and weary, we said our goodbyes and goodnights, then hung up. Falling asleep in my bed, I stared out to the stars that blanketed the sky, but as I wished on each one I saw, I felt no answer come my way. The stars seemed oblivious to what I should do.

So, now, here I was a day later, struggling over chemistry and so much more. Staring to the right of my pencil, I found the ring Ricky had given me the other day. The purple seemed to glow with the light of my lamp shade, and I couldn't help but feel mesmerized by it.

How was it possible that he could figure me out? How was it possible he could answer questions that I had wanted answers to for so long?

Placing a hand on my stomach, I felt a sudden connection between the baby and myself. I knew I could never kill him—or her—I could never make two mistakes in a row. But, is letting Ricky get involved considered a mistake?

Crap, I needed aspirin.

A knock at my door, stopped me from my complaining and thoughts, looking up I saw Ashley standing there.

"What do you want?"

"Mom's going out to the Boykovich's, she wants to know if you want to go. Ben's home."

"No, it's okay, I have homework. I'll just call Ben later or something." I looked down at my paper, pretending to scribble down something; using all my mind power to will her to go away.

"SHE SAID NO MOM!" Ashley's loud yell, echoed in my ears, causing my head to split even more. I could hear a murmur come from downstairs, only to have Ashley reply even louder, "NO MOM I'LL STAY WITH HER!"

"Ash! My head hurts! Shut up!"

She leaned against my door.

"What do you want? I have a ton of chemistry to do right now, I don't have time for your stupid games!"

She just continued looking at me, then after what seemed like a minute she finally spoke. "Does it hurt?"

"Wh-h..."

"Sex."

The one word seemed to fill my room, suffocating me and everything around me. My head was spinning crazily, and I grabbed onto the edge of my desk, looking for stability. Lately, I had noticed she was interested in...well..._that. _But, she was only 13! Didn't they have a sex ed class that told you not to do _it_? Or...maybe that's where she got her condoms from.

"Amy...Amy...Amy..."

"Uh..." My mind blanked, how was I supposed to respond to this?!

"Fine don't answer..."

"Look, Ashley! I don't know why the hell you're asking me this, but don't even think about it! Not. One. Bit."

"I was just wondering. I mean...is it worth having a baby?"

What was with everyone questioning me?!

"I-I—I don't know! I mean...I...Ashley go away!"

"I'm guessing...no?"

"Look, just don't think about it. Don't do it. End of story. It's not what you think it is!"

"Okay. Whatever."

She was still leaning against my door, and urges inside of me wanted to just push her out and slam the door shut.

"So...Ricky called a while ago..."

"Wh-what? I didn't hear the phone..."

"You were in the shower." Why did she seem so emotionless?!

"Why are you only telling me now? That was like four hours ago!"

"Your point? I thought you didn't like him?"

"I—I—I don't!"

"You're stuttering, you're lying!"

"Ashley, stop. Okay...what did he say?"

"Nothing. Just said he wouldn't be able to help you for the next few days. Something came up."

Ricky said he wanted to be involved. He said he wanted to care, and now he was just not going to be there? I hated his complexity! Glancing at the ring in the corner of my eye, I brushed it away, behind all my books—not wanting it in my sight. Was he really just playing with me? Toying with me over and over again?

But...but...then again...he did call me. Wait. Why do I care?

Staring at Ashley I put on a face, hoping she couldn't see through me. "Yeah, okay, whatever. That's just typical of him." I returned to my equations. She still didn't leave.

"Do you care for him, Amy?"

I glanced up. The answer seemed to escape my lips faster than I thought it would, "No." It didn't feel like a lie.

"So...you really care for Ben, huh?"

"Yeah. I do."

She didn't ask any questions, just looked at me once more, then walked away. I sighed, dropped my pencil, and walked to my bed—burying myself underneath the blankets.

My phone rang.

**1 New Text Message.**

I opened it up, to my horror and surprise, this is what it read:

**Call me. **

**Grace.**

What did she want with me? Unless...unless she found out about...yesterday? I gulped. Hesitating, I just stared at the message. Finally, I called.

"Amy!" Her voice was shrill, loud...but there was something else hidden underneath her tone.

"Hi...Grace."

"I am so ecstatic! I saw you two at the mall yesterday! I'm glad you're letting him in your life!" I heard a little giggle from her end of the line.

Listening to her words carefully, I realized something. She saw us?! Oh crap.

"Grace...have you told anyone else, about mine and Ricky's...outing?"

"Oh yeah! I was so happy! I talked to my parents about it, they think he's a nice guy...so they're proud of you, for letting yourself see that. And...I think I told...oh shoot who did I tell? Oh yes! I told Ben! He wasn't as happy as I was about it, but he said he already knew, and was 'okay' with it. Frankly, I think it's just jealousy. Boys." I could already see her rolling her eyes at the last word. "Anyways, I talked to Ricky about it, and well I think he was happy too, but he's too stubborn to admit it. Oh! That's right! ADRIAN!"

At the name, I shuddered, almost dropping the phone. If Adrian knew, then...I gulped.

"Wh-what...did she say?"

"I don't think she's into the whole you seeing Ricky kinda thing. To tell you the truth, I think she loves him, but...she just can't tell him, because he 'isn't one to fall in love'—her words, not mine. Aww...Amy I'm so happy for you!"

I couldn't reply. What was I supposed to say? Thanks?

"Uh...yeah...look Grace it was a once in a lifetime kinda thing. Ben was supposed to be there...but, he couldn't..."

She ignored me.

"I prayed a lot for this to happen Amy. I've seen so many kids abandoned, or have lost a family member. I mean Tom's adopted, but I love him greatly, but I can't help but remember how saddening his life was before. He really misses his mom. And Ricky, well...I'm sure Ricky's told you about his family...or you know already. And well...Adrian...I went with her the night she was looking for her dad—and just knowing her heart broke after he told her to not come back—it hurt me as well. Amy, what you're doing for your child, is good. It's healthy. At this point, I really don't think it's about your feelings anymore—it's about the baby's."

Silence. I didn't reply, and she didn't ask for one. We didn't talk for a while, for all I could do was listen to her words. '_Your baby'_. **My** baby.

"Grace, how do I know this is the right choice? How do I know any of this is right?"

"Well...that's a hard one. I guess...sometimes, we don't know. It's not always what's the right choice. It's the best choice. Like, put yourself in your baby's shoes. If you grew up all your life thinking that Ben was your dad, then one day you realized he wasn't, how would you feel?"

I didn't answer.

"Look, I'm not a therapist, but...I understand how you feel. You want security, and you're scared Ricky doesn't have that. I know you feel safe with Ben, but...Ricky will never understand security if you don't give him the same back. If you just wait for him, just stand where you are and wait for him, he'll know there's somewhere for him to run to."

"I care for Ben, Grace. I don't want to hurt him."

"Ben loves you. He'll understand. If he loves you so strongly, and if he understands you care for him in the same way, he has nothing to fear."

"Grace, what if he doesn't know? I've never said 'I love you' to him."

"Sometimes, the hardest people to love, are those you care for the most."

Part of what she said was true, but the thoughts in my mind suddenly erupted, dancing around in my head and heart. Grace didn't know what I knew. She didn't know the secret that I kept all to myself. It was better that she didn't. It was better that no one knew.

"Thanks Grace. I needed to hear that." And that was the truth.

"You're welcome. God Bless, Amy." And she hung up.

I tossed my phone onto my bed, and stood in front of the mirror. Staring at my reflection I could notice the changes to my body—but I noticed the changes in myself.

Here I was, standing in my room, not a single call from my best friends—but instead from a girl I hardly knew. No longer was I just falling into Ben's arms, but I was relying on others—even Ricky. I could no longer hide my shame, no longer hide the mistake I had made a long time ago. Life was so simple, but I was too ignorant to see the answers right before me.

Placing both my hands on my stomach, I could feel a sudden jolt. The baby kicked. My child was alive. It was living, breathing proof that this was real. In that one second where I could feel the movement within me, I knew. No matter how many appointments, or layers I wore, or how many times I threw up in the morning—it was only in this second that I knew.

I smiled. Going back to my chemistry I stared down at my work. My brain went into motion.

I understood it.

I understood it all.


	9. Open Secret

_The floor was cold beneath me, my clothes laying haphazardly to the side—but they lay forgotten, just fabrics against the canvas of dark sky. It was cold, but I could feel nothing except his warmth. The sounds of the crickets and forest were muted, as I could only listen to his soothing, seductive voice. _

"_I love you, Amy. Ever since I first...saw you...I knew...I would...I always have..." His whispers tickled my ears, and all I could do was let those words crash over me. All I could do was let those words lull me into euphoria and bliss. His caresses were gentle, soft, loving. All I could feel was his heart beat against mine, skin against skin, girl and boy. It was just me and him._

_Me and him. Me and him. Him and me. Him and me. It was like an incantation—like a spell—it meant something. It was like if I kept saying them over and over, I would believe this wasn't a dream...I would know this was real. This was real._

"_I...I...lov—" He placed his mouth upon mine, before I could utter another word—and our tongues started dancing to a silent melody. I don't know why but I was thankful for it. Soon, his touches grew rougher and I could feel the smirk that formed as he kissed me His lips burned against mine, sending sparks through my body. He was kissing me. Kissing, kissing, kissing me—really kissing me. Ricky Underwood was kissing me...me...me..._

_But suddenly, all happiness seemed to disappear as pain shot through me, and before I could feel anything else, it was over. I lay there, my breathing shallow—I was confused, hurt, perplexed. I was naked. I could feel him lifting off of me, his eyes glistening with the hint of accomplishment. It suddenly felt cold, and all of reality came crashing down on me. I couldn't say anything. All I could do was stare at the eyes that looked down on me. _

_Those three words were a lie. All a lie. I was a joke. Just a joke. Always had, always been..._

_He wasn't someone different. He wasn't the one. He was Ricky Underwood. Just a boy._

_And I...was just a girl. Another girl. Just Amy._

* * *

I jolted upright from my bed, my facing sweating, as the sounds of the night surrounding me. The house was dark, silent, pitch black. Shutting my eyes, I could still see my dream, my nightmare. I could still remember it all. I didn't want to. I tried so hard to erase everything, every second of that one night—but I never could, for I would forever carry a souvenir of that night.

I rubbed my stomach gently, staring into the girl that I saw in the mirror. Who was she? She was pregnant, she was scared, she was fifteen, she had a boyfriend, she had a dysfunctional family, she had no true friends, she had enemies—she was me. Me...me...me.

I stared at my reflection, not moving, not blinking, just looking. Suddenly, I heard a car horn outside my house. Tiptoeing slowly towards the window, I peeked through my curtains. He was there. Standing by the driver's side, his arm placed against the horn, his hair dark hair ruffled up, and a smile placed across his lips—he was there. I gulped down the lump I felt in my throat.

How could his eyes be so cold, then so welcoming the next?

I pulled my curtains aside and just stared down at him, not smiling, not frowning, not crying. He looked up at me, and smiled, silently gesturing me to come down. My phone rang.

**Pls. I need to talk to you.  
Gimme 5 mins.**

**Ricky.**

Lately, all he ever did was ask me for a talk. All he ever did was talk. Why could he just not listen? My phone rang again.

**Please.**

I slowly pulled my curtains back together. Picking up a sweater that was lying on my floor, I walked through the hall. Upon reaching the lobby, and opening the door, I found him there. He was still waiting.

"Hey," he called out. Lifting a hand as he walked towards me.

"Hi."

"Umm, look..."

"I trusted you Ricky, then you take off for a week?! Ben was there for me! He always has and probably always will be! But you! You, after begging, and pleading, and asking, and speaking—you out of nowhere decide to take off and abandon this problem again?! Gosh Ricky!" I was hurt. I didn't want to admit it, but it took a whole lot of my strength to hold back the tears, that were forming in my eyes.

"Hey...I know it was wrong, I mean...out of nowhere, but let me explain."

"Explanations are getting old. I'm so tired of th—!"

"I saw my dad."

Those four words seemed to suffocate the air. Silence. My lips were glued shut, as an eerie feeling rushed through my body, "You...what?"

"My dad. Yeah. He's an asshole and what not...but I guess I had to do it..."

"He hurt...but, how...why..."

"I'll be honest with you, Amy. I am freaking scared to have this child. I didn't want to end up like him. I never want to be like him. That's why I had to see him. I left last week to find him. And when I did..." It shocked me how Ricky's eyes seemed to be welling up with tears.

"Ricky," I reached out for him, placing a hand on his arm.

"I'm nothing like him, Amy. I'm fucking glad I'm nothing like him!"

"Ricky, you will never be like your father. You have a heart Ricky."

"N..no I don't Amy. If I did I would have never done that to you." He shrugged his shoulders, making my hand fall off of his arm. Once again he was brushing me off.

"B-but, Ricky...it's my fault too. I shouldn't have been so stupid to let you do it." I tried cheering up, tried making a joke.

"Nah...but...yeah, that's all I had to say. I know you have Ben there for the kid, I just thought that..."

"Thought what?"

"Nothing. It's just...this whole situation got me thinking, and yeah. I mean...I've never had a father, Amy. I've never had a family. That's why...that's why I'm not sad that you picked Ben to be a dad. He'd be a better one than me, it's better for him, or she...whatever sex the baby is. The baby deserves a happy ending. And like you said, I can't give it that."

A long pause. Silence.

"Anyways, thanks for listening Amy." He walked away, with a wave of his hand, he turned around and slowly walked back to his car.

I was barefooted, it was cold, and rain was no pounding to the ground. Wind blew gently, blowing my hair in odd directions. My breaths escaped my lips as clouds, and I wrapped myself up tighter in my clothes. I was stupid to let him have sex with me. I was stupid for not telling my mom right away. I was stupid for believing in lies. I was stupid to try to get an abortion. I was stupid for always making the wrong choices—except now.

Without a second thought, I ran from where I was, running against the cold ground—for once making a right decision.

"Ricky!" My voice echoed down the barren streets, and in a second he turned around and looked at me.

"Amy, it's cold, what the he—"

"You're right. You can't be a father. You're inconsiderate, reckless, stupid, a flirt, an asshole, a cocky jerk, and a sex freak. Ben is one hundred times better than you. He's smart, funny, and has always been there for me. He wants to marry me, and wants me to be a part of his life. He's kind and sensitive and loves me. Really loves me—not some I-want-to-have-sex-with-you love, he like adores me. He cares for this baby and loves it just as much as I, kind of, do."

He just stared at the ground, my words filling his head. He wouldn't look up, he wouldn't speak.

"But...even if you can't be the best father, you are not _your _father. You're Ricky Underwood. You're the daddy of this baby, and even if you can't be a 'true' father to him or her, you can always be a friend. You will always be my friend."

Before he could speak, I engulfed Ricky in a hug. I shut my eyes and just hugged him. Once upon a time in a land far away, this boy hurt me. He took something that I could never take back. He left me in pieces, he broke my heart—but that 'once upon a time' was a while ago. I couldn't change the past—but I could choose my future.

This was reality, not some fairy tale. Not all wishes come true, not all endings are happy, but just once, I wanted him to smile.

It felt like forever, but soon I could feel his arms wrap around me, as he held me tightly towards me. That nightmare was only a memory, and these past months, things had changed. No longer did he hold me as a possession, another one to scratch off the list, he held me as if he cared.

And in those moments, I chose to believe that.

"Amy..." His voice broke the silence and the thoughts that swirled in my mind, "I gotta go now."

"Oh, umm, yeah..." I leapt backwards from him, suddenly feeling the snow that fell on me.

"You should get inside, it's getting cold. I don't want you getting sick." And as sappy as it seemed, it sounded like he meant it.

"Yeah, well, good night then." I said, smiling brightly.

"Yeah, 'night."

I smiled, and walked back towards the house. As I turned around his car had already started up and he waved one final time—then he disappeared into the distance, the light of his headlights fading as he turned the corner.

Slowly I opened the door, only to realize that someone had been waiting for me. With a smile placed across her face, and with eyes that twinkled in delight, she stepped closer to me and boldly spoke, "I knew you cared for him." With those words spoken, she sauntered up back the stairs. Even if I couldn't see her face, I knew her 13-year-old mind was working and she was silently laughing to herself.

But, in that moment I didn't care.

Sluggishly, I leaned against the door and slowly fell to the floor. Even as the hallway was still filled with the cold air that had rushed in from outside—I felt warm. The warmest I had ever been in a while. I smiled. Ricky Underwood...my friend? It sounded a little weird, but then again, what part of my life wasn't.

With the rain falling to the ground and the wind whistling—all I could do was smile.

* * *

"_Thanks," he said as he walked away. As his figure disappeared into the darkness, all I could do was sit there and wrap myself tightly. The warmth I had felt only a while ago, I could never imitate. It was gone. My short lived fairy tale had ended. Walking back to the camp, tears streamed down my face—but even if he had left me, alone, all alone—I couldn't help but smile at the last words he had said before he left._

"_I'll see you around, Amy."_

_And secretly a part of me hoped he'd keep that promise._


	10. Stargazing

"Pink or blue?"

I held up the small outfits, one in each hand. He just looked at them, his fingers rubbing his chin. He was just as confused as I was.

The sounds of the mall echoed into the store, as the distant chatter filled the air like a buzz. The department itself was rather empty, silent—but the glances still did not disappear. With each aisle I passed, eyes seemed to lock onto me, mouths drooped down with disappointment, and many faces seemed to turn away.

I didn't belong in this section—frankly I wasn't supposed to be here for probably another 10 years, but no. Here I was, standing in the midst of racks and tables, holding up two different outfits—blue or pink.

"Well...I don't think you want our little boy wearing pink, so I'd say blue..."

"Ben, if it's a girl I don't want it wearing blue...pink would be so cute..."

"But, a boy can't wear pink. It's against our code," he said, as he put himself in a pose that mimicked Superman.

"What code? Boys can wear pink!"

"So, you wouldn't mind me being in a pink shirt?"

"Why would I be against it?"

"So you're letting me wear an all pink outfit to school?"

"Go, right ahead."

"Amy, just put the blue one in the cart." He smiled, taking the pink one from my hands and tossing it aside.

"But Ben, I liked the pink..."

"Well, that's a pink dress!"

"Okay, okay I see your point. Gosh this is taking forever...". Slowly, I wheeled it down the aisles looking at all the other clothes. As I slowly moved along, I stared at a small box that lay misplaced on the floor. Mommy and me.

Ohmygosh. I was going to be a mom. I needed my mom, how was I supposed to be a mom to someone else, if I myself hadn't grown up? A weird feeling started to bubble in my stomach, and I could feel butterflies fluttering around. Three more months and now longer would I be, Amy Jeurgens. No longer would I be a fifteen year old kid. No longer would I be a high school student. I'd be all that, but I would officially be Amy Jeurgens—a mom.

I felt queasy, and I felt like I was giving off a nervous aura for I could suddenly feel hands wiggle around my waist. Ben rested his head on my shoulder, and started to whisper in my ears.

"I could really get used to this." His breath tickled my ears, sending shivers down my spine.

I gently placed my hand on top of his, stroking his fingers slowly. "Ben, please don't squeeze too tight. The baby..."

"Oh, right. Sorry." He quickly released me, but then switched to sandwiching me in between him and the cart – his hands holding the handle outside of mine.

"You know, I really can see us in the future like this...together...Mr. and Mrs. Boykovich" I closed my eyes, still walking forward, hoping he wouldn't ask me again. Marriage just was too far away from me. I already rushed what half of my life was supposed to be, I didn't want to dive into adulthood again.

"Mhmm..." I mumbled, hoping not to sound scared or unaffected. Suddenly, I felt something cold touch my neck. Staring down, I could see a diamond ring dangling from a thin golden chain.

"Amy," he continued, "I really...lov...adore you. I want to be with you. I'm still waiting. I'm here and always will be. Of course I'm still scared that Ricky..."

"Ben, I've told you so many times that Ricky means nothing to me. He's just...a friend..."

With the word 'friend' I could feel Ben tensing up. His muscles seemed to twitch, and as his grip on the cart tightened, his knuckles turned white.

"A...friend..." I heard him release a breath, "Well...at least I'm your boyfriend. I feel that title is worth more than anything."

I smiled. Yeah, Ben definitely deserved the title.

The conversation soon died and we continued weaving through the aisles, picking up clothes, food, diapers, and toys. It took us two hours, before I could escape the smells of baby power and shampoos, finally walking out into the busy mall. As I could see the sun set beneath the horizon, the mall seemed to thin out as well. Many people started leaving, going to where they had to go—but once reaching the food court, I could see that most bodies had moved to this area.

It was dinnertime. As if on cue, my stomach grumbled. Upon hearing it, Ben looked at me, and squeezed my hand. "I'll get us something to eat. I'm thinking fries."

I stopped in my tracks. Fries. Fries were good right? Fries were tasty and hot. Fries were...fries were...fries were...

"Actually, Ben, I'm thinking more on the lines of Chinese."

"Hmmm...oriental, sounds nice."

Turning around to the familiar voice, we came face to face with Henry and Alice—Ben's best friends. It shocked me to see them together, but all the nervousness that seemed to fill me two seconds ago, disappeared.

"I could definitely go for some Chinese, I'm thinking Chow Mein." Henry said, rubbing his stomach as he walked towards us.

"No, I'm thinking fried rice." Ben chimed in, "What do you want, babe?"

I cringed. "Anything's good...you guys just go line up I guess..."

"Yeah, Henry go get me some shrimp and a hotdog." Alice said, as she politely reached out to carry one of my shopping bags.

"Who eats hot dogs with shrimp Alice?" Henry asked, quirking his eyebrows.

"Do you really want to..."

Ben interrupted her before things got way too personal, "Hotdogs, shrimp. Check. I'll make sure he gets them."

And with that the two boys walked away, leaving me and Alice table hunting. We didn't talk. The more I thought about it, I hardly ever talked to Alice. I hardly knew her. She was just Ben's friend...now that I thought about it. Me and Ben hardly _knew _each other. I was his girlfriend, he was my boyfriend—and yet, I didn't really know what his favourite colour was, let alone what his favourite food was. Was that normal?

"So...Amy, how's the baby?"

I was jolted from my thoughts, and just stared at Alice blankly, letting her words sink in. After a long pause I finally chimed in, "It's fine. It's definitely growing. I've had to go shopping almost every week. It's not fun when you end up broke."

"Hmm...I see...that shirt is definitely new. Did Ben pick it out?"

I stared down at the red lacy shirt I was wearing. Ben didn't buy it. "Uh...no...actually, a friend gave it to me."

"Ohh...really? So you and Madison and Lauren are all talking now? No more dramatic triangle?"

Suddenly hearing the names of my friends, ex-friends I guess, I realized I hadn't thought of them in a while. "Uh...no...actually we haven't. Grace Bowman bought me it. She went shopping with me a while ago..."

"You talk to her?" Alice's voice seemed to be a mix of shock and intrigue.

"Yeah. She's been really supportive of me lately..." I tucked a stray strand of hair behind my ear.

"She's after Ricky."

Those three words shocked me, but lately what three words didn't. I felt any sentence with three words only held lies. Lies. Lies. Lies...

"Well, they are friends...and beside why should I care..." I bit my bottom lip, staring at a distant point behind Alice's shoulder.

"Hmm...I thought you and Ricky were alright now. Rumour has it you're letting him 'into your life now'."

"Well, he's there I guess...he helps if I need it..."

"But, you have Ben, so you shouldn't need him?"

"Look...I don't know...it's just..."

"It's okay Amy. I understand. I'm just jealous of you. You have two guys that are nuts over you and you've known them for less than a year. I've known Henry since the third grade, and ... we still don't love each other."

"Alice...Ricky doesn't love me..."

"That's what you think. Amy, you're really blind to what goes on. Ever since he and Adrian broke up he's always staring at you...he's infatuated, addicted...he cares for you Amy. In all the years I've known Henry he has never done that for me..." she scoffed, as if remember something in her memories.

"Ben...cares for me. And...I care for him..."

"Do you love him?" She looked up at me, staring straight into my eyes.

"Sometimes, the hardest people to love are those you care for the most." Hearing those words escape my mouth, I couldn't help but remember the phone conversation I had with Grace a while ago. I silently laughed at the thought.

"...maybe. But, still, you're lucky Amy. You're very lucky."

"Yeah, 'cause pregnancy is definitely the icing on the cake."

She laughed. I had hardly ever seen Alice smile before, "You know what I mean Amy, but maybe you have a point there. I should just keep having sex with Henry..."

Hearing that three letter word made me quiver. Memories.

"Alice..."

"I'm kidding..."

"Kidding about what?" Looking up we both saw Ben and Henry with trays perched in their hands.

"Oh nothing. So, Henry did you get my hot dog and shrimp?"

"Of course I did! But seriously, you eat weirder meal combinations than Amy, and she's the pregnant one."

To this I laughed. "Never question women. It's a chick thing." Ben responded. He was already used to my hormonal changes, and he knew the handbook he had to follow.

* * *

As we said good bye to Alice and Henry night had already blanketed the sky.

"Hey Amy, you want to go star gazing?"

His question surprised me a bit, but I was more than willing to go. As we carried our bags to the nearest park a few streets away, we dropped them on a bench then rested upon the cool grass.

"It's getting cold huh?" I didn't answer his question, instead I snuggled up closer to him, letting his arm rest underneath my shoulder.

"Hey, look a shooting star!" As I followed the direction Ben's finger was pointing I could suddenly see a flash trail across the sky. I made a wish.

"Must be our lucky day, huh?"

I still remained silent.

"Amy...I really love you."

"Hmm..."

"It's just...the past week when Ricky was gone, I was thrilled. Me and you were finally acting like a...couple...a future family. We went shopping, and we went to that birth thingy majiggy, the one where I helped you do breathing exercises. I even pinned that picture of the ultrasound to my locker. I was so proud. But...Amy don't get me wrong...I'm not blind..."

The tension in his voice, worried me and I sat up, and just looked down on him.

"...I know he loves you. Gosh, the whole school knows. I don't want my woman taken a way, I never want you to be taken away. But..ever since he came back, ever since he showed his face again, things changed between us...again. You hardly answer my questions, you get uncomfortable when I talk about _our _future, you didn't pick up when I called you two nights ago, and lately you seem tired. I just want to know if you believe we both belong together."

Tears fell from my eyes. I didn't notice they had welled up in the first place. As once tear fell onto his cheek, he quickly sat up and used his thumb to wipe it away.

"Aww babe, I didn't mean to make you cry, tell me where it hurts...I'll umm...kiss it better."

"How...can...youuu...kiss a broken...heart?" The words came out muffled with my sobs.

"Amy, I didn't mean to hurt you, but...I'm so worried that something's gonna go wrong, or the baby will be sick, or you'll...not love me anymore."

I could feel a mood swing coming on.

"Ben. Shut up. How many times...do...I...have to tell you...that Ricky means nothing...to me? How...how...many times...do I have to tell you...to just wait until...I say I lov...love...youuu? Can you just shut...up...for once...and just not...be afraid...of losing me. When...you worry about losing me...I worry about...losing myself."

I leaned into him, waiting for his arms to wrap around me, waiting for the security that I knew. Waiting for that comfort. It never came.

"I'm sorry Amy. But, I'm not the best looking guy, I know I can be annoying, but I...care for you so much. Today meant so much to me, I felt like things in the future could finally work out...maybe I was wrong? I don't know. I have never felt like this for anyone before. Ever. I really really really love you. I lost my mom a while ago, and you know that. The day it happened my world tore apart, and a part of me thought that nothing could ever fill the void that was inside of me—until you came along. I don't want to lose something I care about ever again. That's why I'm so...jealous, or overprotective. But hey, I shouldn't think about Ricky too much, huh?"

"No...you shouldn't...it makes you sound like you like him." I giggled a bit, hoping to stop myself from crying so much.

He laughed a little, finally wrapping his arms around me. "I know I'm probably spoiling the wish, but when I saw that shooting star I automatically thought of you. I wished that soon you'll love me and I can help build the family our baby deserves."

I quickly wrapped my arms around his neck, "Oh Ben..."

The necklace between us seemed to dig into my chest more, and I could feel the diamond making imprints on my skin. For that moment I forgot about his proposal, his declarations of love, and his jealousy. For that one second I just thought of Ben—his smile, his heart, his warmth.

Then...I thought about my wish.


End file.
